Herpes Tests Are Bogus

"Herpes Tests Are Bogus"

In my last post I wanted to get into the wacky world of herpes testing, but there is enough to cover on this topic that it deserved a post of its own. After my research for the last post led me to the lack of evidence for the existence of all the medically relevant viruses, I wanted to know what exactly is looked for in a herpes test. They must be testing for the presence of the herpes virus in these tests right? No they don’t.

Virologist Dr. Stefan Lanka, Ph.D is one of a handful of doctors who assert that not even one of the medically relevant viruses has been isolated. In a 2005 interview, he voiced concerns regarding testing, and said that “In a test-tube containing an appropriate concentration of acids and bases, minerals and solvents, these blood proteins, also called globulins, will bind arbitrarily with other proteins. Thus you can make any sample taken from an animal or a person test arbitrarily positive or negative.” With this in mind, I’ll outline what happens during these tests after some preliminary discussion.

Let’s talk about antibodies first. The most popular type of herpes test is the antibody test. It’s considered “common knowledge” in the medical world that antibodies signify a strong immune response in the body, so the more antibodies you have, the more it is assumed that your body is reacting to and “fighting” a specific “pathogen.” However, since none of the medically relevant viruses have been shown to be isolated, this appears to simply be dogmatic belief since we can’t be sure that what’s been witnessed in a lab actually involves a virus. The funny thing is, in the case of AIDS, a rise in antibodies is supposed to signal an immunodeficiency, rather than a strong immune response. It can’t work both ways and yet this inconsistency has simply been overlooked by most. We know that the body produces antibodies, but this just proves the existence of antibodies, not a virus. In Dr. Lanka’s opinion, antibodies are simply “soluble blood proteins, which play a central role in the healing of wounds.”

So if there are no viruses present in these tests, what is it that’s been mistaken for them? As mentioned, only indirect markers believed to be associated with the herpes virus are looked for in testing, and the virus is simply assumed to be present in “positive” test samples. Torsten Engelbrecht and Dr. Claus Köhnlein M.D., authors of Virus Mania: How the Medical Industry Continually Invents Epidemics, Making Billion-Dollar Profits at Our Expense, say in their book that “The alleged viruses are in reality micro-particles produced by the body cells themselves.”

Let’s now review the testing methods. I’ll be using language like “assumed to be,” and “supposedly” a lot because although I am a layman on the subject of virology and microbiology, I do trust the opinion of virologist Dr. Stefan Lanka Ph.D., AIDS clinician Claus Köhnlein M.D., and science journalist Torsten Engelbrecht, who have concluded after years of research that there is a lack of evidence for the existence of any medically relevant virus. Therefore, when my sources used language that assumed the presence of a virus, I have opted for more skeptical language. I am going to explain the testing methods to the best of my ability while working only with Internet sources for means of explanation as I have never worked in a lab before. If you are more knowledgeable on the subject and I have made an error, please feel free to comment at the end of this post so that the error can be corrected. I thank you in advance. I obtained this list of testing methods from www.webmd.com.

There appear to be four main methods of testing, none of which find the presence of a herpes virus in your system. Instead, other indirect markers assumed to be associated with the presence of the virus are tested for, such as antigens, antibodies, and new pieces of gene substance, and this is what’s used to determine positive or negative test results.

The first testing method is a viral culture of a fresh sore that’s been swabbed. This means that the cells from the swab are added to a tissue sample and watched over a period of days to see if they “grow.” The swab contents are first prepared by suspending the cells in a liquid, perhaps with antibiotics added, and then the cell liquid is added to some kind of tissue (many of which aren’t actually skin cell tissue, such as mink lung or rabbit kidney), to see if degenerative changes occur in the tissue. If degeneration occurs, the herpes virus is assumed to be present and you get a positive result! This is apparently the “gold standard” test against which all others are measured.

A herpes antigen test is a second kind of test. Antigens are substances that provoke the production of normally one, but sometimes more, types of antibodies. Supposedly, on a herpes viruses, the antigens are located on the surface of an outer lipid bilayer which coats the “virus” and contains twelve surface glycoproteins (some or all of which would be the antigens this test is looking for.) For testing, cells from a fresh sore are smeared onto a slide and the surface of the cells are examined under a microscope for perhaps one or more specific antigens assumed to be specific to the herpes virus. Our bodies are full of all kinds of glycoproteins, and since the herpes virus has never been isolated, the presence of a particular glycoprotein cannot be said to automatically equal the presence of said “virus.”

A third type of test is a polymerase chain reaction (PCR) test. The test can be performed on cells, on fluid from a sore, or on blood or other fluid, such as spinal fluid. The test supposedly finds the genetic material (DNA) of the HSV virus and is said to determine the virus type, i.e. HSV-1 or HSV-2. Dr. Stefan Lanka explains what is happening with this type of test in his 2005 interview: “All that has been done is multiplying gene substance by means of the biochemical multiplication method “polymerase chain reaction” [PCR]. With this method it is also possible to arbitrarily multiply new, never previously existing, short pieces of gene substance… It is this artificially produced gene substance which is presented as a virus… That’s all that’s happening.”

The last type of test is an antibody test, and this is the cheapest and most popular method of testing mass numbers of samples. These are your ELISA and Immunoblot (Western Blot) tests. If you got a standard HSV test from a lab, this is likely what it was. It is a blood test in which the sample is searched for antibodies which are supposed to be attributable to a specific type of herpes virus (HSV-1 or HSV-2). It is simply assumed that the antibodies (produced in reaction to the presence of certain antigens) are present to “fight” a herpes virus “infection.” The results are also stated as an index value (e.g. 0.7 or 1.5) with a value above 1.0 meaning a positive test result. This means that you can have low levels of a “herpes antibody” in your sample and test negative. It’s not black or white, it’s more like shades of grey, which makes no sense since with herpes, its supposed to be that either you have it or you don’t.

During my research on these tests I came across a lot of concerns from the general public regarding false positives on their herpes antibody tests – confused virgins, people who had no symptoms but high levels of antibodies. Elizabeth Boskey, who has a Ph.D. in biophysics and is a researcher, writer, and educator on the subject of STDs, had some interesting things to say about this. To summarize, she said that if we are to make the “reasonable assumption” that around 50% of the population is “infected” with HSV1, and around 25% are “infected” with HSV2, then ELISA tests are approximately 92% accurate for positive results, and Immunoblot tests are about 94%-95% accurate for positive results. She then goes on to say “it is worth noting though, that if my prevalence estimates were off and we worked from the assumption that only 10% of the population is infected with either virus, then although almost all negative tests would be accurate, positive tests would only be accurate 55% to 85% of the time.” What if 0% of the population had the virus? I wonder how many “false positives” the tests would show then?

Dr. Lanka explains this a little better: that positive test results on either ELISA or Western Blot tests don’t make sense since it has not been shown that the proteins used from the test samples are from the actual virus. All that can be supposed it that the proteins come from whatever type of cells that were collected in the sample.

So it appears that when it comes to herpes testing, the best advice would be: Don’t bother! Testing gives no direct evidence of a herpes virus in your system, in addition to the lack of evidence that the virus even exists! If you missed my post on the German New Medicine perspective on herpes symptoms, check it out and see if it resonates for you. If you can figure out what sort of touch or separation conflict is causing your “herpes” symptoms, you can learn to downgrade the symptoms or even overcome them altogether. The best part is, there’s no virus, so you’re not contagious! There’s even a chance your symptoms occur because you are afraid to touch others and “spread the virus,” so take a load off and go enjoy life with no apologies! Guilt free kissing and sex are your birthright!

~ “I’m absolutely sure that no antibody test in medicine has any absolute meaning.” – Dr. Stefan Lanka, Ph.D.

* Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.


Herpes Isn’t Real

"Herpes Isn't Real"

If you suffer from herpes, at one point you might have experienced feeling like you’ve been unfairly turned into some kind of sexual leper now at the mercy of an unpredictable virus hiding in the shadows of your nervous system, waiting to strike at any moment. Most people go through an emotional crisis upon developing an obvious herpes sore for the first time, or getting back a positive test result for herpes, because herpes is for life, right? You are now expected to divulge this information to new romantic partners so they can choose whether or not they want to touch your gross herpes leper body and risk “infection.” Thanks to a rogue scientist, however, it turns out, there’s actually no evidence whatsoever that you’re infectious! You can’t give it and you can’t get it.

According to virologist Dr. Stefan Lanka, Ph.D., none of the medically relevant viruses have actually ever been isolated, and therefore there is no proof of their existence. This includes influenza, HIV, HPV, HSV, and others. In a 2005 interview, Dr. Lanka states that viruses have a supportive role in the interaction of cells, and that they are components of simple life forms and do not exist in complex organisms such as plants, animals, or humans. He also stated in the same interview that antibodies are soluable blood proteins which play a central role in wound healing. I couldn’t find the actual interview where these quotes were taken from (it may only be available in German), but the secondary source is the lecture videos Virus Mania 1 and Virus Mania 2, by Caroline Markolin, Ph.D.

NOTE: I eventually found an English translation of the 2005 interview with Stefan Lanka. You can read it here.

Dr. Lanka also notes that pictures of so called viruses, often found in medical textbooks, can’t claim to show a virus if they do not also provide the original publications which describes how and what from the virus was isolated, and that these original publications aren’t cited anywhere. So what are the pictures of? According to Dr. Lanka, “The photos of the alleged viruses are not showing an isolated virus but cells or cell particles.

Dr. Lanka has encouraged people not to simply believe him, but to instead ask the medical establishment to provide documentation regarding virus isolation. This was in 2001, I believe, and no documentation has been provided to date. He has been looking into the issue since 1994. Now of course there are going to be people who notice that they should have been exposed to the virus but who don’t show any symptoms, and people who show symptoms but are mystified as to how they could have been exposed. But since it’s taught to us all in our younger years that the infectious herpes virus is just a part of life, a whole viral mythology has been introduced to explain that you can carry the virus and never have symptoms, and you can pass the virus on to someone else even though you’ve never had any symptoms. Even if you’ve never kissed anyone, that cold sore could be from grandma, and if you’re a virgin, it could be a mix up at the lab.

So if there is no virus involved, what’s the freaking deal with your symptoms? Let’s look at it from the German New Medicine perspective. In GNM, skin conditions (any condition involving squamous epithelial cells) are simply biological programs running in the body that relate to some kind of touch conflict, or “separation conflict,” which cause meaningful changes in our tissues to support us through the conflict. The body’s biological programs run in two phases: a conflict-active phase, and a healing phase, where the healing phase generally runs as long as the conflict-active phase. The intensity of healing phase symptoms will directly reflect the intensity of the conflict.

A condition that occurs on the lips or genitals has a high probability of being related to sexual and romantic touch from another person, but can also be caused by things that we don’t want touching us, like a dirty straw, or a rapist. In the case of herpes we can equate the conflict-active phase with what is called the “incubation period” of the “herpes virus,” which is usually 2-14 days. Interestingly, the healing phase, which is where the sores appear, also tends to last 2-14 days on average as well.

In the conflict-active phase, there are no herpes symptoms. In fact, the area where the herpes sores will later appear is actually going through a process of numbing. This is the whole point of the biological program running in your body! To protect you from feeling either the separation or touch you don’t want to feel by numbing you. When the conflict is resolved, that’s when, for some, that magic tingle kicks in and you know the sores are on the way! Either way, the sores are painful and have a purpose to heal the numbed area and return it to normal.

I was introduced to this explanation for herpes at a GNM seminar, and I became so interested in the various manifestations of skin conflicts that I continued to explore the idea on my own. In comparing image search results on Google, I couldn’t help but notice that herpes sores look very similar to another very common condition that also involves the mucosa tissue of the mouth – canker sores. I also noticed that the symptoms of both conditions are virtually identical!

  • Both are ulcers or lesions that occur either singly or in clusters on the oral mucosa
  • Both can begin with tingling, itching, or burning sensations
  • Both can present as either blisters or ulcerations
  • Both are painful.Both can be accompanied by fever, swelling, general bodily discomforts
  • “Low immunity” conditions can make people susceptible to both
  • Emotional stress can be a factor in both
  • There can be inflammation and swelling in both
  • Both take about 2-14 days to heal
  • Healing in both can be hastened with B-12 vitamins, iron, and folic acid

The only difference in these two conditions appears to be the purported causation. Apparently there is no known cause for canker sores, and they are said to not be contagious. However, the infamous HSV virus supposedly causes cold sores, making the condition “contagious,” and you, a virtual leper to romantic partners and prospects. How fun for you!

Now, just because Dr. Lanka has found no evidence whatsoever for the presence of a herpes virus (or any other medically-relevant virus) does not mean that it doesn’t exist. However, if they do, their purpose would be to help reconstruct the body while it’s in healing, as Dr. Lanka has stated, and just like GNM has shown for the role of candida and bacteria in other tissues in the body. So even if one day a herpes virus is isolated, we can rest assured it’s a helpful microbe, and NOT the reason you’re having symptoms.

I have a little anecdote to share regarding herpes conflicts. Years ago, a friend of my ex had kissed one of my friends. This is a very good friend of mine and I had never seen her with a cold sore before. He, however, developed his first cold sore the very next morning! Usually it is stated that there is an incubation period before the sore appears but for him it was instantaneous. He was so pissed! He was convinced that my friend had given it to him. Knowing what I know now, I can see that he was probably in a conflict-active phase where he missed the touch of kissing a woman. Once that wish for contact was fulfilled, he went into healing, and boom! Cold sore.

I wanted to get into the wacky world of herpes testing in this post as well, but it’s getting a bit long, so I’ll save that for next time. However, I will say this: the amount of false positives is of particular concern since not one of the tests offers direct evidence of the virus, only other markers assumed to be associated with the virus. So congratulations to us all! It appears we can neither contract herpes from anyone or infect anyone, and, if the herpes virus does exist, it’s not what’s causing your sores, it’s what’s helping to heal them. I think that’s cause for celebration! Happy Hallowe’en!

“The alleged viruses are in reality micro-particles produced by the body cells themselves.” – Torsten Engelbrecht and Dr. Claus Köhnlein M.D., Virus Mania: How the Medical Industry Continually Invents Epidemics, Making Billion-Dollar Profits at Our Expense

* Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.


Why Do We Get Cancer?

"What Is Cancer?"

We all know the official story, that cells in your body can suddenly turn rogue and eat you alive unless you turn to chemo, radiation, or surgery to annihilate these “evil” and “malignant” cells. Cancer is the “enemy,” a “terrorist” even, and the detonation of a slew of medical weaponry is necessary to apprehend and destroy this cunning adversary, because otherwise, it will supposedly kill you without mercy. It’s no coincidence that we literally call this “the war on cancer.” It sounds a lot like war terminology, doesn’t it?

There’s a few things that just don’t add up for me though. Have you ever asked yourself how a brain tumor could possibly “grow” when brain cells don’t divide and multiply like other cells in the body? Have you ever wondered why, if the theory of metastasis is correct (cancer cells spreading to other parts of the body via the bloodstream and lymphatic system), that blood and lymph cancers are not the most common secondary cancers? Have you ever wondered why there’s such a huge industry built up around cancer research funding when, according to the Center for Disease Control, the most common killer in America is actually heart disease?

Another point to consider. Doctor directed treatments are the third leading cause of death in the US, according to Dr. Peter Glidden, but there is virtually no discussion of this in mainstream media. That’s kind of weird, right? If you get a cancer diagnosis and opt for chemo and radiation, and you die, the “official” cause of death is usually always cancer, not the “treatments.” Doctors can pump you full of flesh eating chemicals and flesh burning radiation and if you die they can just say it was the cancer.

There are a lot of unanswered questions, and I’ve done my fair share of research on alternative methods of healing cancer, and they are as varied as it gets, from cannabis to baking soda. However, one has stuck out quite prominently for me, and that is German New Medicine. As far as I know it’s the only alternative cancer treatment method that’s actually had the opportunity to be officially tested and verified (30 times apparently).

The success rate of GNM is unusually high, over 90%.  When Dr. Ryke Geerd Hamer, the man who developed this method was taken to trial over it, it had to be admitted into the court evidence that over 6,000 of his 6,500 patients with advanced cancer were still alive four to five years later. That’s a pretty impressive track record, and yet, Dr. Hamer has been called a quack by the allopathic medical establishment and experienced intimidation, ostracism, and slander, and has even had eleven attempts made on his life, according to sources who know him. His work has been around for 30 years now, so if he was full of BS, why does his following still continue to grow? There are also lots of testimonials online attesting to the accuracy of his approach. I bet you’d be hard pressed to find the same number of testimonials for chemotherapy. In fact, Google “chemotherapy testimonials” – there are none.

Dr. Hamer has been absolutely vilified in this Wikipedia article, which makes no mention of the effectiveness of his method, and instead tries to capitalize on the evil deeds of Hitler and paint a false and scary picture of a Jew hating Nazi conspiracy theorist doctor who lost his medical license due to “malpractice” and who is responsible for “numerous” deaths in his patients. I guess the authors of this page are expecting you to think “OMG, Hamer’s from Germany? Hitler was from Germany!” I have no idea if Dr. Hamer actually claimed the reason he lost his license to practice medicine was due to a “Jewish conspiracy” – the source is in German – but if he did, he wouldn’t be the first person to point out that there happens to be a lot of Jewish people running industries in the world. GNM has nothing to do with the Nazi’s, and this claim has nothing to do with the effectiveness of his treatment methods. Yes, some of Dr. Hamer’s patients died. Are there no patients dying in the mainstream medical system? It cannot be ignored that over 90% of the people who had advanced stages of cancer were still alive four to five years after Dr. Hamer treated them. Compare this to the “success” rates for chemotherapy that are around 4%, and I think that rate is probably generous. But you can’t sue a doctor if he kills one of your family members with chemo – doctors are immune to malpractice suits in this regard.

I am still quite new to GNM, having only begun to study it last month, but it’s been quite liberating to learn about Dr. Hamer’s take on cancer, given his high rate of success in treating it. He considers “cancer” to be nothing more than a benign biological program running in the body, and one with a very special and significant purpose. Maybe it sounds far-fetched to suggest that lung cancer’s purpose is to help a person breathe better after a death fright, or that ovarian cancer serves to increase estrogen levels to help a woman attract a mate after she’s suffered some kind of profound loss, but that is the pattern that’s been observed and later verified in over 400 cases for each type of cancer. The tumor is there to help, and there is nothing to fear. It’s such a drastic change of viewpoint on cancer from what I’ve been told my whole life, but if I had to choose, I’d trust my life with Hamer any day over the paltry “success” rates of the mainstream medical establishment.

What are your thoughts on all of this? Have you heard of GNM before? Have you explored any other alternative treatments for cancer?

~ “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered. The point is to discover them.” – Galileo

* Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.


We’re Not Really All That Different

"Me Too"

Every time I start to feel disconnected and alone, I’m going to remember tonight and last week. It’s amazing how many people say “me too” when I mention that I was sexually abused as a child.

Last week I met up with some new peeps who are also interested in German New Medicine. I had met one of them at the seminar a couple weeks ago, and she wanted to introduce me to these four very awesome ladies. We met in a coffee shop, and while discussing how I came across GNM, on one of the many tangents went on was my trip to Peru and the the subsequent address I made to my family regarding the sexual abuse in my childhood. I’ve been talking more boldly about it lately – it puts shame in it’s rightful place, and people never react in the negative or harmful way I thought they might (though ironically it was my own family, the people who are supposed to be there for me the most, whose response to my breaking the silence was the most damaging for me).

Two of the four women said that they had similar things happen in their childhood. It seems that although each story is unique in many ways, we have a common bond over our shared quirks and oddities. Eating disorders all around. Family problems. Learning to trust our own feelings. Revictimization. Problems with authority. Drug and alcohol problems. Sex problems. So much in our existence is the same and yet I often feel like I am out to sea all alone. Like I have to walk this road without help, because who after all is going to know what it feels like to be me. Who else is going to understand what it feels like to have a suicidal hatred of your body because 50% of its DNA belongs to someone who did unspeakable things to said body?

Tonight I met up with someone I haven’t seen in years, and it was the same story. In the process of catching up, I got into the nitty gritty again, and he said “me too.” As soon as he realized I understood what it felt like to be him, he couldn’t stop talking about his pain. He said he never really talked about it with anyone, not like we were talking about it. I could tell that it was an incredible relief for him to finally tell someone what effect the abuse has had on his life, and have them really know what he was talking about!

In talking about my experiences, both those from childhood and those of healing in the present, I have found nothing but relief as well. All the walls that first seemed to separate me from others began to dissolve and I feel I’m free to just be what I am, rather than play at wearing a mask. Keeping the subject taboo, keeps us shrouded in shame. It separates us further from the truth of who we really are.

~ “Honesty is the best policy.” – Benjamin Franklin


Healing Cancer With Ayahuasca

"Jungle Palms"

There have been several stories posted online about people who healed their cancer with shamanic ceremonial use of ayahuasca, and I have a theory on why this might be the case. Personally, I did not go to Peru to take ayahuasca for cancer-related reasons, but what I accomplished with its use and with the support of the Ashi Meraya shamans was a deep and profound conflict resolution, what some might even call a spiritual awakening. What does conflict resolution have to do with healing cancer? Everything if you understand German New Medicine.

The reason I am a proponent of GNM is not only because it is an empirically proven approach to cancer treatment with an over 90% success rate (unlike chemo which has a “success” rate of 4%), but also because of it’s basis in the mind-body connection. GNM is an approach which views cancer as a supportive biological program running in the body to help the person withstand a particular conflict shock (like the testicular cancer that GNM founder, Dr. Ryke Geerd Hamer developed after his son was shot to death, whose tumour had the biological purpose of making him more fertile so that he might be able to replace his lost son.)

So if conflict shocks can lead to cancers, and a resolution of the shock leads to healing, then I’ll go out on a limb here and make the educated guess that ayahuasca’s ability to hasten conflict resolution is the reason some people see tumours disappear after spending a few weeks in the Amazon jungle drinking visionary tea with a shaman. Doctor’s have explained away these healings as “lucky” anomalies, but there is something very important going on here. It’s times like this I’m so glad the Internet exists so folks can share their stories of successful healing with others.

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.” – Hippocrates

* Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.


German New Medicine: Cancer as Unconditional Love

"MRI Brain Scans"

After my deep healing experience is Peru a few months ago, learning more about how the body communicates hit the top of my list of interesting topics to research. My desire to learn more about this was answered by the random mention of a particular oncologist from Germany who had developed testicular cancer after the death of his young adult son in the late 1970s. He wondered if his developing cancer had anything to do with his son’s death, and in his research found that other patients of his who developed the same type of cancer had also experienced a similar loss in their life shortly before their cancer developed. This doctor’s research found connections between the psyche, brain, and body, which could be viewed on CT brain scans as bullseye-like renderings. This is the work of Dr. Ryke Geerd Hamer: German New Medicine (GNM).

Most importantly, the work of Dr. Hamer teaches us that cancer is nothing more than a special biological program running in the body in order to help us overcome a psychic conflict – it is unconditional love and support manifest! I now wonder if all the claims of natural remedies used to heal cancer were in fact nothing more than a placeholder when no “therapy” was actually required at all! What I mean to say is that as long as the conflict which initiated the “cancer” in the first place is resolved, then the tumour would have disappeared anyway. Dr. Hamer concluded that the body, being a creation of nature, does not ever do anything without purpose, and has created a new paradigm to understand the nature of all diseases.

Dr. Hamer’s findings have been tested more than 30 times by several physicians and professional associations through signed documents. All documents attest to the 100% accuracy of Dr. Hamer’s discoveries. With this in mind, also know that when Dr. Hamer initially brought his findings forward for verification, he was denied that right and eventually had his medical license revoked! In my opinion – and that of many others – this happened simply because his findings threatened those who have an interest in the status quo. There’s a lot of money involved if you  know what I mean. But GNM does not insist that the current medical system is useless – quite the opposite! We NEED the current system to help support patients who are caught in extreme conflicts which can potentially lead to death.

What sold me initially on GNM were the many testimonials of individuals who successfully applied this scientific approach to healing. I am currently taking a series of courses in Vancouver to learn more about GNM, and have completed the first of seven weekend seminars. I’ll be regularly updating with information on what I’m learning. In the meantime, to learn more, visit LearningGNM.com.

~ “I want to guide you to an understanding of diseases, free from fear and panic.” – Dr. Ryke Geerd Hamer

* Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.


Dreams: Messages From The Unconscious Mind

"Conscious and Unconscious"

Dreams have been one of the ways in which my unconscious mind has hinted to me that I was sexually abused as a child. There have been just a few occasions where dreams of this sort have occurred, and it’s usually when I am looking for answers in my waking life that they pop up. In fact, I had such a dream just this afternoon during a nap, and I can pinpoint two things that might have caused it to come forth: a conflict with a new male roommate who made an inappropriate sexual comment about my body, and dousing with my “tiger tooth chain” to ask questions about how early the sexual abuse started in my life and the extent of it.

Today’s dream was of my father entering my room to stare at me where I was sleeping naked. I was aware that he was doing this and although I was “awake” in the dream, I was unable to open my eyes in order to see him. I rolled around trying to cover my body as I yelled at him to leave, all the while struggling to open my eyes. I could feel him standing there, and when I finally managed to open my eyes I saw him doing exactly what I felt he was doing – standing in the doorway staring at my naked body and ignoring my vocal requests for him to go away. Now with eyes open I escaped to an ensuite bathroom where I could hide from him.

The theme is this dream is very similar to a more disturbing dream I had a few years ago. In that dream he is trying to peep at my naked body through a textured window pane as I take a shower in the basement of my parents’ house. His eyes are black like a zombie and he slowly presses his face up to the glass. He then enters the house and wanders around the basement like a zombie along with my zombie mother whose eyes are also black. This one had me waking up in hysterical tears. The peeping part of this dream actually happened in real life when I was 15, although at the time I didn’t know who the peeper was, but I could see the fresh footprints in the snow outside the window when I checked afterward. Not that this is proof that is was my father; the dream might be using this direct experience as an analogy.

Another very disturbing dream I had was in early March of this year, a week before I left for Peru. There was a very small, almost newborn baby, which then turned into a toy doll with moving legs and arms. The toy baby had blood and semen all over the crease where the right leg joins the body, and I was trying to clean it off, having to reach into the crease with tissue to get all the blood and semen off of it. I have another true life experience that this dream reminded me of: when I was about 11 years old, I had an enormous boil appear on the outer edge of my right labia which left a deep scar that I still have today. This was the exact location of the blood and semen on the baby in the dream. According to German New Medicine, anytime there is pus coming out of the body it means the person is feeling attacked and/or soiled.

And so it goes, piece by piece, information stored in my unconscious mind slowly leaks through to the surface, only telling as much as I can handle for the moment. I’m sure there is more to discover when it comes to my experiences of being sexually abused as a child, but sometimes I’m not sure I want to know.

~ “Nature is often obscure or impenetrable, but she is not, like man, deceitful. We must therefore take it that the dream is just what it pretends to be, neither more nor less. If it shows something in a negative light, there is no reason for assuming that it is meant positively.” – Carl Gustav Jung