Negative Beliefs and Revictimization

Smiling Man

When I was a little girl, my dad used to always tell me that men are perverted creeps not to be trusted. He would say “I used to be a guy that age – I know what disgusting things he’s thinking!” That mixed with the fact that my dad was sexually abusive to me led to beliefs that men only want one thing from me, and that I should expect to be victimized if I trust a man. I still hold those beliefs today even though they aren’t serving me anymore. As a child the mistrust was an adaptive protective stance; now it just leads to revictimization.

It’s been said by many metaphysical teachers that each one of us creates our reality with our thoughts and beliefs, and it seems that in this new living situation I created a reality that reflected right back to me my negative beliefs about men. I wanted to believe that my new male roommate is just a creep and that the situation had nothing to do with me, but to think that would just be playing victim, something I don’t choose to do. If those metaphysical teachers are right, there was something about my thoughts that attracted me to this situation.

I experienced this roommate as creepy and vengeful. He made clear attempts to manipulate me by lying, and was irate when I refused to allow these manipulations. He also insisted on doing “nice” things for me, like offering to drive me places, or buy groceries for me, all of which I declined, and he was also irate about this. He’s a textbook “nice guy” – someone who does “nice” things with the expectation that they’ll get something in return, and is therefore, not a nice person at all.

His actions were a perfect fit with my negative belief that men are manipulative and are not to be trusted. I found myself saying “AH HA!!! I knew it!” when my negative beliefs were confirmed, and yet when men I know do not act in this way, there’s no “ah ha, I was wrong.” I was clearly paying attention only to those actions and behaviours that matched my beliefs, and this new roommate was the epitome of my mind’s caricature of the average man; a creepy, manipulative, and whiny sore loser.

There was actually a very satisfying feeling that I got from “being right” in this situation as well. There’s no mistaking that he said some very inappropriate things to me – everyone I’ve mentioned it to has cringed a bit when I tell the story – but the silver lining was that I got to feel like I am superior to him because I “get it” and he doesn’t. I would even go as far to say that he is, in fact, stupid, for not understanding why what he did was creepy. I’ve got to let go of my need to feel this superiority too. It only fed my rage and anger, and it probably just stems from a fear of being inferior – another negative belief, but this time one about myself in comparison with men. If I’m “right” then I’m “safe,” or at least I’m aware of my surroundings enough to respond and protect myself, but the whole scene is just a tired replay of many other similar, though less dramatic scenes I’ve experienced in my life with men.

I am making a commitment to myself to change my negative beliefs about men. If believing that men aren’t to be trusted and that they only want one thing is going to lead me back to this sort of situation again and again then I am in for a lot more trouble. I guess this is a bit of an experiment of sorts. If I make a concerted effort to catch myself every time I have a negative belief about a man, even if it’s true, I’m not going to believe that all men are like this, and I am going to practice gratitude for all of the wonderful men in this world that conduct themselves with decency and respect around others. By changing my thoughts about men, I hope I’ll see a difference in the type of men I see around me. Wish me luck! Oh, and I’m moving out of this creep’s apartment on December 1st, because… fuck this.

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Dear Men, Being Creepy is Sexual Harassment

"Creep"

Dear Men,

Have you ever made a sexual comment to a woman and were confused about why it was offensive to her? Admittedly, it’s rare that I come across a man who doesn’t properly understand when making sexual comments about a woman to her face is inappropriate, but unfortunately I find myself living with one these men at the moment. Although he has agreed not to do it again, he does not feel his comments were inappropriate.

It appears my new male roommate is a bit confused about the meaning of sexual harassment. He made some comments about “enjoying the view” of my body after I’d only lived with him for a few days, which was quite upsetting to me. I did my best to explain to him why what he did was harassment, and he disagreed with me. He said it was all a matter of perception. I said he could look up the definition of the term on the Internet. So which is it?

I guess the real question is, at what point does it actually become appropriate to make sexual comments to a woman you’ve recently met? Answer: Once you’ve reached a certain level of intimacy, which must include her clearly signaling sexual interest to you! That means that if you misinterpret her signals and think that she likes you when she doesn’t, she’s going to be very creeped out by your comments. The safest bet is to come right out and ask her if she’s interested in a date, and don’t be vague about it; anything else is a gamble.

The whole creep thing was once very well explained by Joseph Maldonaldo of IAM Center as one person moving too fast down a continuum of relating between two people. On one end are the complete strangers; on the other are intimate partners or friends. Moving along the continuum takes time and a willingness of both parties to move the relationship in that direction. To move too quickly along is to be a creep, literally creeping along the continuum to a point where the other party isn’t comfortable. It’s forcing one’s way past another person’s boundary with no regard for that person’s comfort. Sexual harassment is, in the general sense, being a creep. It means making sexual comments that would only be acceptable if you and the other person were further down the continuum, except that you are not. And after only knowing me for a few days in the context of being roommates, we are still at the level of acquaintance.

I am so grateful that most of you get this, no explanation necessary, but I guess I just needed to vent about how frustrating this can be. He actually said to me, “I thought you were the fun type,” as an excuse for saying what he said. So I guess he is right that it is a matter of perception, the problem is that his perception of our “relationship” was way off, and unfortunately I now perceive him as a creep and he perceives me as uptight. I’m just so disappointed in both of us for not being able to communicate about this better. Thanks for listening.

Love Courtenay


Why Do Men Call Each Other “Pussy”?

"Pussy"

The other night I was looking at the Vancouver city skyline with a friend, and I remarked, “none of this would even exist if men weren’t trying to impress women so they could get laid.” Similar to my observation, Dave Chapelle has said that “if a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t buy a house.” Interesting.

So first of all, pussy, mui importante. Check. But isn’t it kind of strange that after men spend so much of their time and money trying to get pussy, they turn around and use the word “pussy” to insult eachother? I mean I get it, misogyny and patriarchy and such, but isn’t this literally the same as spending all your time and money trying to become a millionaire, and then insulting someone by saying, “hey, fuck you, you millionaire, you!” Is there a fundamental difference here that I’m missing?

Guys? Any opinion on this?

(And Dave, thanks for backing me up on this, but as an aside, I’m not sure I get your reference to pussy as plummeting stock. Don’t people dump stock when it plummets? It’s just that I rarely hear stories of men saying “no” to pussy. I’m a bit confused on that one. And if you’re still perplexed about why women get upset when you act like a creep, this might clarify the meaning of a “whore’s uniform” for you.)

Happy hunting, guys 😉


Dear Men, My Femininity Isn’t About You

"Femininity Is Fun"

Dear Men,

That sexy dress I wore in public wasn’t for you. It was for me. Because I enjoy being a woman and expressing my femininity. In choosing to wear that dress, you were not in my thoughts. I did not decide to wear it because I thought you might like it. I wore it because I like it. Do not share your uninvited opinion on how my looks are pleasing to you. Not only do I not care if they please you, but it’s both rude and arrogant to assume that I would. You are assuming that my self-expression in my choice of clothing has something to do with you, and it doesn’t. You think it’s a compliment to tell me that I am pleasing to you because you are making the wrong assumption that I get dressed in the morning hoping to please you. See how that works? Admire and appreciate if you like, but please save your “compliments” for women who have actually chosen to date you. See? It’s that easy to trade creepy for classy.

Thanks,

Courtenay