Rapists rape because they want to feel powerful and in control of another person. They have low self-esteem and so must prove to themselves their dominion over others. There’s a lot of weak spots to play on here, far more than with the average man. Wouldn’t it be fucked up to turn that shit around and play on those insecurities? I’m not suggesting that anyone actually use these phrases if they are being raped, the point of this post is just to poke a little fun at rapists.
Insult His Manhood
We all know how men feel about their dicks, but to a rapist his dick is his weapon. Fuck up his head by insisting you can’t feel his penis.
(1) Ask him “is it in? Really? Oh… are you sure?” Roll your eyes and get annoyed when he insists that it is, or laugh and say “No way! Seriously dude, I can’t feel a thing.”
Steal His Fire
A lot of rapists enjoy the satisfaction of having their victims struggle and not be able to get away, so they can feel like they have control over them. Fuck up his head by insisting that he’s fulfilling one of YOUR fantasies, that he’s not actually controlling you.
(2) When he’s clearly enjoying you struggle, say “oh goodie, rape fantasies are my faaaaaav! Yeah, hold me down, that’s what I like, yeah!!!”
Compare Him To A Woman
In our hyper masculine culture nothing cuts down a man’s attempt at domination quite like telling him he’s womanly. It’s no different for rapists.
(3) While he’s raping, giggle and say “It feels like you’re one of those trans folks who just has a really big clitoris.” When he gets mad, just say “don’t get me wrong, having a clit is nothing to be embarrassed about.”
Make Him Think You’re A Guy
If you just met your attacker, he probably thinks you’re just a regular lady with regular lady parts, and he wants to show women who’s boss. Fuck up his head by making him think he accidently forced himself on a dude who’s had sex change surgery.
(4) Deepen your voice a little and say “Does it feel like a real pussy? The doctor said he was the best gender reassignment surgeon in the country.” When he pauses to look at you more closely, give him a wink, and whisper “I won’t tell.”
Scare Him With Phantom STDs
Nobody wants to catch an STD, not even a rapist, so tell him he’s in the middle of rubbing herpes all over his dick.
(5) “Could you move a little to the left? You’re really chafing my herpes blisters. Thanks.”
If you have any boner shrinker ideas for rapists, please share in the comments 🙂
This isn’t a recent post, but a great one nonetheless that discusses some preliminary studies on what proportion of the young male population has engaged in rape. Two studies are discussed where men were surveyed about past sexual activities that involved the use of threat, force, or intoxication to gain compliance of their victims without consent. The word rape is not used in the survey, and that is likely why the men felt comfortable self-reporting these activities, though it’s unclear if any men declined to report truthfully. The conclusions of these two studies were that roughly 13% of the male population have raped, and between 4% and 8% are serial rapists. These numbers could potentially be even higher if some men declined to answer truthfully. Of those admitting to rape, only about 30% reported using force, while the remainder went for intoxicated victims in what are likely to be socially sanctioned acts of rape, since the guy can easily claim confusion about her consent since she was not in her right mind. That means a large proportion of guys opportunistically take advantage of intoxicated women because they know their friends won’t question them about it. Anyway, have a read, this is a great post.
A huge proportion of the women I know enough to talk with about it have survived an attempted or completed rape. None of them was raped by a stranger who attacked them from behind a bush, hid in the back of her car or any of the other scenarios that fit the social script of stranger rape. Anyone reading this post, in fact, is likely to know that six out of seven rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. It has been clear for a long time, at least since Robin Warshaw’s groundbreaking “I Never Called It Rape,” which used Mary Koss’s reseach, that the stranger rape script did not describe rape as most women experienced it. It’s easy to picture the stranger rapist: a violent criminal, not much different from the violent criminals who commit other violent crimes. This guy was in prison before, and he’ll be back…
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This has been a difficult post for me to write. I intended to have it written a couple days ago, but I find myself in repeated resistance. Every time I write a few lines, I invariably find a distraction. This is a subject of immense interest to me in my quest to understand why I was sexually abused by my father, but for the same reason I find it a bit hard to stomach. I hope this is helpful for others on the same quest or for those who are simply trying to understand the question of “Why?”
This post is meant to clarify the reasons why men sexually abuse children. It is a continuation of Part I which discusses drug-assisted rape. The title, “Why Men Rape,” is appropriate when discussing child sexual abuse because rape was part of my experience of being sexually abused as a child, and also because I find it hard to call the involvement of a child in adult sexual activity anything but nonconsensual. The short answer to “why” is… because offenders made the choice to offend, albeit with a compelling feeling to do so. I wish to explore the common pattern for how men come to make that choice.
My main source of information has been a book by Douglas W. Pryor, titled Unspeakable Acts: Why Men Sexually Abuse Children. Pryor conducted a pioneering study of thirty convicted sex offenders, and gathered data on the thoughts, experiences, and behaviours of these men. It is the first in-depth, qualitative, and narrative-based study of its kind.
As was already established in my post on rape culture, the characteristics of the average child molester are virtually indistinguishable from those of the average man. The way they walk, the way they talk, they way they seduce, the way they objectify and sexualize others. However, one factor appears to influence which men choose to sexually abuse children – and that is experiencing sexual abuse in their own childhood but not understanding it as such.
This can mean having fond memories of being sexually abused, and framing that abuse as affectionate and/or erotic rather than traumatic. Offenders who did experience the sexual abuse of their childhood as “unsettling and confusing,” were typically blamed by parents or other nonoffending adults and made to feel responsible for the abuse, or they were simply ignored and given the impression that it wasn’t that big a deal. In any case, the perpetrator was not understood to be an abuser per se, and the victim was given no feedback to suggest that there was anything wrong with what the perpetrator was doing to them, and that is was their fault it was happening.
The larger cultural context of silence and secrecy around taboo subjects like incest and sexual abuse also do nothing to curb the young victim’s blurred sense of acceptable boundaries, sexual respect, and personal physical space with others.
So with their own abuse framed as not having been abuse, these men went forth into the world, and often when they were around children who were the same age as they were when they were abused, they experienced some unexpected sexual feelings arising in them. This was generally precipitated by a cluster of negative life experiences, which occurred in mostly random combinations, although there were only six general themes that those interviewed experienced: feeling trapped, sexual problems and boredom, loss of male authority, engulfment in masturbation and porn, major emotional shocks, and feelings of sexual inadequacy.
The men chose to cope with these challenges by feeling unhappy and disconnecting emotionally, and yet they still strongly desired an outer change in their circumstances. It is my observation that these men feel powerless in their lives and have no sense of being able to change their circumstances, or failing that, to change their own state of being in order to experience their circumstances differently. Many appeared to feel as if they had no choice in the matter of offending and felt that their urges were simply “uncontrollable,” and thus found ways to justify their actions so that they could live with themselves.
The moment of shifting in adulthood from being a nonoffender to an offender was clearly demarcated in the memory of nearly all thirty of the convicted sex offenders. They could pinpoint the specific moment and circumstances in which they made their “shift.” The fact that this is remembered so clearly indeed shows that the men were aware that they were making a choice which would take them across a moral boundary, but they could not deny the strong sexual feelings that arose in them, often for a specific child victim.
And this is the critical point of no return: the transition into offending is completed precisely because these men are able to reframe their sexual feelings for a child as acceptable in order to justify their actions, no doubt a remnant from their warped understanding of their own sexual abuse history. As Pryor notes, “without this interpretive bridge, the crimes reported by the men here would not have occurred.”
After making the shift and choosing to offend, multiple methods of approaching and engaging their victim were tested and locked into if compliance resulted. During their career as an offender, the men often felt guilty about their behaviour, but numbed it with busyness, alcohol, TV, etc., and some even projected their guilt onto the victim, lecturing them about their immorality. In every case they found a way to justify their behaviour, often putting the responsibility on the victim to stop the abuse.
It’s like their whole childhood repeating itself! And situations that bring up their pain will persist until these men heal from the abuse inflicted on them in their own childhood. I view their poignant moment of crossing the moral boundary into being an offender as their psyche trying to show them they have a wound to heal. The issues they have from their own childhood abuse are still with them and are literally reflected perfectly in their own reactions to life’s circumstances. Some men even chose child victims who had specific features that reminded them of their own abusers, such as hair colour. It’s really all just a convoluted effort to heal something.
These men put responsibility on the victim to stop the abuse since they were made to feel responsible for their own abuse. Their feelings of powerlessness, perhaps from not being able to control the abuse in their childhoods, led them to feel unable to change their circumstances, to feel like a passive victim of circumstances. This is really important to get. We all have the power to change our state of being if we don’t like the circumstances we’re in, and thus change the way we feel about the circumstances. Sometimes we can simply just change the circumstances, but not always. Still we’re all ultimately capable and powerful. The only thing standing in the way is negative beliefs. These child molesters had no life experiences to illustrate that they had this power, nothing to show them that they could choose to change their belief that they are a passive victim.
Silence and secrecy are what keeps this twisted little circus rolling, and branding offenders as monsters doesn’t help. The depths of my own anger surrounding this issue make it difficult to say what I’m about to say, but it is indeed the true that these men deserve some compassion from society. It is not to excuse, but simply to understand. In fact, it is in the best interest of child victims that we feel some compassion since the ugly stigmatization with which child molesters are branded can leave an offender feeling even more trapped and unable to reach out for help, which only exacerbates the issue and leads to more offences. This Louis C.K. stand up bit has been called a tasteless joke, but he is indeed on to something with his idea that we take it down a notch when it comes to “kid having sex people” because at least then “you get the kid back.”
~ “Every situation properly perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal.” – A Course In Miracles
“Who are we to say getting incested or abused or violated or any of those things can’t have their positive aspects in the long run? … You have to be careful of taking a knee-jerk attitude. Having a knee-jerk attitude to anything is a mistake, especially in the case of women, where it adds up to this very limited and condescending thing of saying they’re fragile, breakable things that can be destroyed easily. Everybody gets hurt and violated and broken sometimes. Why are women so special? Not that anybody ought to be raped or abused, nobody’s saying that, but that’s what is going on. What about afterwards? All I’m saying is there are certain cases where it can enlarge you or make you more of a complete human being, like Viktor Frankl. Think about the Holocaust. Was the Holocaust a good thing? No way. Does anybody think it was good that it happened? No, of course not. But did you read Viktor Frankl? Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning? It’s a great, great book, but it comes out of his experience. It’s about his experience in the human dark side. Now think about it, if there was no Holocaust, there’d be no Man’s Search for Meaning… . Think about it. Think about being degraded and brought within an inch of your life, for example. No one’s gonna say the sick bastards who did it shouldn’t be put in jail, but let’s put two things into perspective here. One is, afterwards she knows something about herself that she never knew before. What she knows is that the most totally terrible terrifying thing that she could ever have imagined happening to her has now happened, and she survived. She’s still here, and now she knows something. I mean she really, really knows. Look, totally terrible things happen… . Existence in life breaks people in all kinds of awful fucking ways all the time, trust me I know. I’ve been there. And this is the big difference, you and me here, cause this isn’t about politics or feminism or whatever, for you this is just ideas, you’ve never been there. I’m not saying nothing bad has ever happened to you, you’re not bad looking, I’m sure there’s been some sort of degradation or whatever come your way in life, but I’m talking Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning type violation and terror and suffering here. The real dark side. I can tell from just looking at you, you never. You wouldn’t even wear what you’re wearing, trust me.
What if I told you it was my own sister that was raped? What if I told you a little story about a sixteen-year-old girl who went to the wrong party with the wrong guy and four of his buddies that ended up doing to her just about everything four guys could do to you in terms of violation? But if you could ask her if she could go into her head and forget it or like erase the tape of it happening in her memory, what do you think she’d say? Are you so sure what she’d say? What if she said that even after that totally negative as what happened was, at least now she understood it was possible. People can. Can see you as a thing. That people can see you as a thing, do you know what that means? Because if you really can see someone as a thing you can do anything to him. What would it be like to be able to be like that? You see, you think you can imagine it but you can’t. But she can. And now she knows something. I mean she really, really knows.
This is what you wanted to hear, you wanted to hear about four drunk guys who knee-jerk you in the balls and make you bend over that you didn’t even know, that you never saw before, that you never did anything to, that don’t even know your name, they don’t even know your name to find out you have to choose to have a fucking name, you have no fucking idea, and what if I said that happened to ME? Would that make a difference?”
– David Foster Wallace, Brief Interviews With Hideous Men
In healing from being drugged and raped by a stranger in February 2007, one of the questions at the fore has been “why do men rape?” I needed to put myself in the perpetrator’s shoes in order to understand why such a horrible thing could happen to me. In fear, I had to do my due diligence in understanding simply to protect myself from ever facing the same fate again. I couldn’t live in a world where these things happen at random. It’s rather hard on the adrenals.
I have learned that I was a target for a reason. I was well trained by the incest of my youth to ignore red flags that my safety was in danger. I was trained to trust those I should not trust. I was trained to think that my feelings and intuition should be ignored. I was a perfect target, and my childhood experiences groomed me to be a victim. That is the part I can take responsibility for, if I choose to. I can address the warped beliefs from my childhood that attracted such an experience to me. It is true after all, that when a woman is raped in adulthood, it is usually not the first time, a viewpoint supported by Marlise Witschi, a BC Registered Clinical Counsellor I met at my last German New Medicine seminar. I can rest assured that life brought me such an experience to show me what lay hidden in my unconscious mind, expressed as the beliefs mentioned above. This rape would ultimately be the instigator of my first steps on the path to healing the childhood traumas, a hidden gift. So that is my part of the equation, but what about the rapist? Here’s my opinion.
I’ll start with rapists who use drugs as a weapon, since that was my experience. I can not help but see a parallel with necrophilia, an attraction to dead corpses. Roofies and GHB turn a person into nothing more than a rag doll, after all, which is about as close as you can get to a corpse while still having a heartbeat. Why would someone want to have sex with a corpse anyway? A corpse or a drugged up rag doll can’t say “no.” Psychologically-speaking, both the necrophiliac and roofie rapist desire to gain control of another. But why?
According to Joseph Maldonaldo M.A., co-founder of IAM Center (where I took part in a very interesting Sex Seminar a year ago), necrophiliacs suffer from painfully low self-esteem and are so afraid of rejection, that a corpse is favourable to a live person. The corpse can only accept them, and allows the necrophiliac bypass the negative belief that they will be rejected and therefore reach a point of psychological safety, which as I discussed in my previous post, is essential for sexual expression. Necrophiliacs may also be attempting to overcome a fear of death, so is it possible that a roofie rapist is also trying to overcome a fear of women? I would bet on it.
The fact that drug-assisted rape is now so common really speaks volumes to the dire state of hetero-male sexuality and self-esteem these days (necrophiliacs are almost exclusively hetero-male, and yes, I’m making a giant leap assumption that roofie rapists most likely belong to the same group). These guys need some serious help and compassion to face their negative beliefs and self-image, otherwise they’ll continue to hurt others in the name of self-satisfaction. The ease with which rape drugs can be obtained make the risk of rejection from propositioning a woman for sex unnecessary if the person is willing to rape instead, not as difficult a choice as we might think given the rape culture we’re marinating in at this very moment.
I’ll continue exploration of this topic of why men rape in Part II, where I focus on why men sexually abuse children.
~ “Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death.” – Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence