I was seriously considering moonlighting as a dominatrix a few years ago, seeing it as a healthier outlet for my anger towards men than disrespecting them in general. The idea came up when I’d met a practicing dominatrix in a Shanghai nightclub. She was a blonde German woman, which would have made her quite popular among the locals, and I remember her grinning ear to ear as she told me how much money men pay her to “stomp on their balls with my stilettos.” I never actually did the dominatrix thing, but I’ve always wondering about why it appeals to me so much, although it’s not a general appeal. I’d never feel the urge to dominate a man I feel safe around already, just the ones I don’t feel safe around. Dr. Michael J. Bader’s book, Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, offers this explanation.
Many “tops” have experienced feeling like a helpless victim as a child, and in identifying with the abuser rather than as a victim, they overcome the belief that they are in fact helpless and capable of being overpowered. Instead, they claim the “power” their abuser had over them. It can relieve the self-blame and self-hatred a person has for themselves for “allowing” the abuse to happen to them by putting them in control.
“Tops” also often experience being labeled as a “bad person” in day to day life. This might look like being told that they are responsible for the feelings of others, when in fact they are not responsible for how others choose to feel. “Tops” can feel tremendous guilt and worry about the person or people they’ve been told they are responsible for. For instance, a son who is always told he is responsible for this mother’s negative emotions will tend to relate to women in the same way, feeling responsible for their hurt feelings when no negative intent is actually there. He might believe that he’s a “bad guy” if his girlfriend gets upset and blames him for her feelings.
In a consensual Master-slave relationship, the arousal of the slave is essential to the Master’s arousal. The slave’s pleasure at being dominated, hurt, and abused proves that the Master isn’t really a bad person or an abuser after all. It helps the Master get past their negative beliefs that they are guilty for hurting others, guilty for not being able to help or save others, that they are somehow responsible for others’ suffering. It also relieves the guilt of wanting to be in control of another.
Master-slave sex takes all of the “bad” about the Master, and turns it into “good.” It proves to the Master that they are not a helpless victim, but a powerful and appreciated dominator. I was always told by both of my parents that I was “bad,” and deep down, I always believed it. So for me, having always felt like I was a “bad person,” the urge to dominate and inflict pain on men might be more about wanting to feel like a “good person” than a revenge fantasy.
It’s usually men who take the role of dominator during sex, so this is insightful as well to explain how society socializes men to feel responsible for everyone else. I wonder how many men out there feel like they’re a “bad guy,” and that they’re responsible for womens’ feelings? And, since being a dominator is also the socially acceptable role for a man to play in his sex life, I also wonder how many men out there are playing “top” when they really want to play “bottom”? I’d bet it’s more than we think.
~ “It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure.” – Marquis de Sade